The Perfect Lawn

I recently moved into a house with a front and back lawn. Now when I say lawn I mean a patch of green that should be covered in grass in the Step-ford area I have come to live in but is actually 80% moss. 25% weeds and 5% grasses.

Not wanting to damage the local wildlife by pouring weed and feed on the ground (also it would just be cheaper to return as the ground would just go to mud) we have used the purist method of scarification and grass seed. Basically you rake the moss as much as your back can bare, then you scatter the grass seed. Frequently repeating this will mean you end up with less moss and more lawn.

Its a ball ache and got me to thinking. If you gave prisoners a 5 meter square patch of ground and told them to make it 100% croquet perfect lawn, they would never offend again. Because that grass is giving me nightmares. If they had only a rake and clippers and some soil and a trowel and seed to fix the holes made from digging up dandelions they would never offend again.

They would learn to reap rewards from the hard work they put in and could get jobs as ground keepers in parks and we could all play croquet again.

I don't want one of those nothing but lawn patches of green but I do not want pure moss. Moss sticks to your bum and is very boggy to sit on. But it is softer than grass. It also goes a golden brown in the hot weather and that how I know we are winning the war. The gold blots on the ground are smaller. But the amount of clover and buttercups increases! Soon I fear I will find my husband making daisy chains on the grass. What will the neighbors think?

On the up side to the demonic moss lawn the local songbird have pulled a fair bit of moss up for nests. The raking made it easier for them to gather and so lots of songbirds nests are filled with our moss.