Making the most of your assets

Last night I got very annoyed. The Apprentice was on and it was for once this season an original idea. One to prove that these freaks are made to run their own business.

Lord of the Trolls, Alan Sugar provided his chimps a pallet of tat bought for £250 and wanted them to make a shit load of cash by reinvesting in the items that sell well. All assets would be tallied and the group with the most assets won.

It became very clear that 50% of those remaining did not know what an asset was. Unfortunately the team leaders were part of the group with no clue.

If you also have no clue an asset is something you place a value on. The more cash like the more fluid. So your computer is an asset as you have a price you told the insurance company it's worth. Simple.

Team "don't like it" Helen, Melody & Tom tried selling to shops. The highlight being Melody trying to flog watches to a pound shop for £25 each. Clue in the name Melody & Helen. Tom played a blinder on his solo stand but I felt telling Melody 3 nodding dogs sold quickly at the end of the day was a missed opportunity. He should of been on that phone after an hour telling her what he was shifting and how much cash he had.

Melody played by her own tune deciding to invest in new electrical products. In fact most the tat she bought would of looked good in the pound shop. No surprise that Helen attempt a cu in the morning. Her tactful "I'd like to take over as I could sleep last night", was visualised by Toms "fucking hell" eyes.

Helen went off on a tangent for 90p margin. Clearly sticking by her sleepless night of potential failure she made sure she hung Melody by uttering the words "your project manager. Do you want me to buy duvet covers?"

Team "I ain't git a fucking clue" was saved by Jim and Suzi. Natasha showed the reason I hate recruitment agents. They only think in terms of how much can I sell this for?

Jim tried his damned hardest to explain the basics of the task & given a chance to head to wholesaler for more brollys and nodding dogs would of been on that helicopter.

Suzi's punt on the £1 pearl braclets won the day. She knew it would sell and she worked her arse off. Making up for the "Suzi snooze" the day before. She had done the "I know these will sell" before but this time she had location & product on her side.

Natasha clearly no clue, seemed to be out to piss off her team and not admit she had no idea what she was doing (something I've known since week two). She had the strongest sellers and I think depended heavily on that.

They didn't make much at all. Couple hundred quid each. I congratulate Lord Trolls decision to fine Natasha for only investing £20.94 in umbrellas that Jim did on his own back. I'm also glad he didn't let them have the prize. More because I could see Jim and Suzi throwing Natasha out the helicopter mid flight.

Tom was safe as he'd been less nodding dog and more eye expressive. He has quote of the show, "Melodys business is what Melody does best. Talking." how do you come back from that without talking?

Tom and Jim also played the gender card. They sat back & let the women bicker and strop. This annoyed me as a woman. You can never look professional after a bitch fight. Also Suzi is too soft she knew what needed to be done and they'd be on the helicopter ride or at least rid of the dead weight Natasha.

If I had my way only Tom, Jim & Suzi would remain on the basis the other three did not know the basics concept of an asset within business.

I can also never drink Horlicks thanks to Nick.

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The Perfect Lawn

I recently moved into a house with a front and back lawn. Now when I say lawn I mean a patch of green that should be covered in grass in the Step-ford area I have come to live in but is actually 80% moss. 25% weeds and 5% grasses.

Not wanting to damage the local wildlife by pouring weed and feed on the ground (also it would just be cheaper to return as the ground would just go to mud) we have used the purist method of scarification and grass seed. Basically you rake the moss as much as your back can bare, then you scatter the grass seed. Frequently repeating this will mean you end up with less moss and more lawn.

Its a ball ache and got me to thinking. If you gave prisoners a 5 meter square patch of ground and told them to make it 100% croquet perfect lawn, they would never offend again. Because that grass is giving me nightmares. If they had only a rake and clippers and some soil and a trowel and seed to fix the holes made from digging up dandelions they would never offend again.

They would learn to reap rewards from the hard work they put in and could get jobs as ground keepers in parks and we could all play croquet again.

I don't want one of those nothing but lawn patches of green but I do not want pure moss. Moss sticks to your bum and is very boggy to sit on. But it is softer than grass. It also goes a golden brown in the hot weather and that how I know we are winning the war. The gold blots on the ground are smaller. But the amount of clover and buttercups increases! Soon I fear I will find my husband making daisy chains on the grass. What will the neighbors think?

On the up side to the demonic moss lawn the local songbird have pulled a fair bit of moss up for nests. The raking made it easier for them to gather and so lots of songbirds nests are filled with our moss.