Now is the worst bit. Putting all our trust in science that the treatments worked. You have the worst of the side effects still to come but it's going to be OK. Faith has never been a strong thing in our family, but I really do believe in science. I hope all those early morning pick ups and late night collections have been worth it. That's wrong. I don't hope, I know. Because we wouldn't of done it otherwise. Not that I would not have done it if they said it was hopeless and would probably only give you weeks I'd even have done it if they said it would give us hours and minutes.
Because I can't imagine not having you around.
I have stopped myself from thinking about that because I know that together, as a family we can beat your cancer. That we will have you around for another ten, twenty or even thirty years. But not if you carry on smoking.
Dad, I know quitting is hard and that you have been smoking since you were 16. I know that some part of you even convinced yourself that you wouldn't need to stop because the cancer would go away with the treatment. I even know you don't think that smoking is what really gives people cancer. But you are bloody lucky. It could of been an awful cancer that hid from us festering for years until it decided to go BOOM into your thyroid. For once dad, you got lucky.
All I ask is that you quit smoking.
Firstly, Look at mum and how it has effected her health. She hasn't got COPD purely from her asthma, your smoking hasn't helped. If you stop you will make the air she breaths cleaner and slow down the deterioration of her lungs. You even have early signs of COPD. They told us when we got the amazing news that your cancer hadn't spread. Again, you've been really rather lucky.
Think of your grandchildren and the grandchildren that you might miss if you don't quit, (I'm not promising anything but it'd be nice to think that if and when I have them you'll still be around). Look at your eldest grandson, don't make him watch you fade like he has already with his Nanna. Look at your youngest who has fought with you and been angry with you. He's only five and he's had to make sense of why we are all so worried about the bad seed growing in your tummy. Think of your eldest son and his wife. She lost her mother to smoking related cancers. Do you not think she wishes her mum had been so lucky? Do you not think it breaks both there hearts to hear you are still smoking, that they get angry? Do you not think I feel guilty that we have been lucky that your cancer was treatable?
Finally, think of the example you are setting. I'm the only one of your four children who doesn't smoke. Not because I'm smarter than my siblings or because they fell to peer pressure. Because I had the room across from the bathroom and every morning I listened to you coughing for and spluttering before you had your first cigarette. I would lie there and force myself to believe you would not see blood and you would not die from smoking. I would run through the different scenarios in my head of what would happen and what I would do. I was fourteen dad when I promised myself I wouldn't do that to my loved ones.
I know its hard dad. I know that you have too many demons to face right now to think of quitting. That it's the easy option to keep smoking. Its easy for me to preach to you. But You asked me to not die my hair because bladder cancer has been linked to commercial hair dyes and I did.
However that was easy. So I'm walking 26 miles on the 1st May 2011. I'm doing it for Cancer Research, because without them you wouldn't have this second chance. It won't be easy and the training up to the walk will be tough. Raising a lot of money for it will be even harder. But I shouldn't ask you to do something hard if I will not do something hard for you.
Because living without you dad will be really hard and I just can not think about it.
